Into the Light of the Dark Black Night
by thehecticglow
Summary: After her ordeal, JJ was grateful for a lot of things: Grateful to be alive, grateful to be surrounded by her friends, and grateful to be free of the lies. But right now, more than anything, JJ was grateful that Emily was here. [Tag to 9x14 "200"]


JJ counted herself lucky as she watched her friends and teammates from her seat near the bar. She was alive, for one thing; a bit worse for wear, but remarkably all right considering the state she could have been in. That in itself would have been enough to win her gratitude. But more than that, JJ was thankful to be free of the constant dissonance that she'd carried around for years as she struggled with the need to withhold key parts of herself from the people she'd always trusted implicitly. All of that was finally over; no more lies.

Their large group had scattered as the night wore on, separating into smaller clusters as they mingled among themselves. The others had separated a bit from JJ and Will, graciously offering them a bit of privacy. Now, though, JJ sat alone, having finally shooed Will away by assuring him that she'd be perfectly fine while he stepped outside to check in with the babysitter. She was content to study the team from a distance: she watched Alex scoff at whatever Rossi had just said; Rossi himself remained smugly self-assured, and Hotch bit back a rare smirk. She watched Reid tease Garcia about her use of Pig Latin as Morgan egged him on and Penelope defended herself boisterously. Yeah, JJ was lucky, all things considered, and she knew it.

A familiar voice pulled JJ out of her reverie. "It feels good, doesn't it?"

JJ glanced up, her smile widening as Emily slid into the seat next to her. "Doesn't what?" she asked.

"Knowing that all of your secrets are out there and the world's still standing."

JJ grinned in agreement. "It feels great." The relief in her voice was palpable, and Emily knew as well as anyone how freeing it could be to shed the weight of a hidden life. Still, despite her air of genuine contentment, Emily could see signs of JJ's recent ordeal taking its toll—an edginess being broadcast in the tense line of her back; in the pinched draw of her lips; in the anxious way her eyes would dart around the room. In the way her fist clenched reflexively at a sudden burst of noise from behind them.

Emily reached out in sympathy. The jumpiness and hypervigilance were all too familiar to her, and her heart ached to see her friend put through the same distress. "Everything else will feel better with time," she soothed, ghosting her fingers across JJ's back.

JJ nodded, grateful for the offered comfort. As much as she trusted Emily, and knew that she was right, JJ was finding it hard to imagine a time when things _would_ feel better. Not when she could still feel water burning her throat and rough hands groping at her hips. "Time, huh?" she echoed, eyeing Emily hopefully. "You make it sound so easy."

Emily grimaced. "Well in that case don't listen to me; I'm full of shit. None of it's easy."

"But you're okay?" JJ asked. There was concern in the question—she'd always worry about Emily's well-being—but more than anything it was a plea for reassurance.

"I'm okay," Emily confirmed, pulling JJ in and pressing a kiss to her crown. "Promise. You'll get there, Jayje."

"You know any shortcuts?"

Emily laughed. "What, me? You were there; I went in circles for months before I even got to the long route!"

"Worth a shot," JJ defended with a shrug, her affectionate smile grazing Emily's collarbone as she burrowed in closer. It should have felt strange, melting into her friend's embrace as fully as she had done earlier with Will, but after years of trust and support and reciprocally guarded secrets, being near Emily felt safe. And tonight, the tactile assurance that Emily was really _here_ settled JJ's nerves and slowed the anxious blur of thoughts that had made her head swim all day. JJ breathed out a sigh, hoping to relieve the pressure in her chest. She felt Emily respond with a gentle hand at the base of her neck, fingers carefully probing for knots of tension.

"I guess you could get a tattoo," Emily teased. "Something transformative. I think I once heard that that was a good idea."

"It's a _great_ idea. You should definitely listen to that person," JJ countered with a grin, closing her eyes against a burst of relief as nimble fingers released an especially tight knot at the crook of her neck.

"Hmm, yeah," Emily agreed softly, slowly losing herself in thought. "If I know what's good for me." After a stretch of silence, she sighed. "I don't know any tricks to this, Jayje. I wish I did. Just be kind to yourself, okay? We're all here for whatever you need."

JJ nodded, words caught behind a lump in her throat that she didn't have the energy to fight. She let herself be lulled by Emily's soothing touch.

"And if you can stand it, maybe talking to the Bureau shrink can be about more than saying the right things to get cleared."

That comment jolted JJ upright. She met Emily's eyes with an annoyed groan. "Oh god, a _therapist_," she whined. "I hadn't even thought of that." Emily's mouth quirked apologetically. "Am I going to hate it as much as I think?"

"Well I wasn't a big fan," Emily hedged, clearly amused by the familiar recalcitrance as JJ cringed. "Hey, if you want a tip, be careful of lying about benign little details to make yourself look good. Those are the things Hotch hears about."

JJ studied her friend, waiting for her to elaborate. That tip more than hinted at a story. "Like what, exactly?" she pressed.

"Oh, you know, like all the happy things that come with a well-adjusted life," Emily said. She grinned when JJ raised an unimpressed eyebrow, and she conceded her token resistance with a melodramatic sigh. "Like _maybe_ I told a therapist that I was dating my cat."

She smirked as JJ spluttered. "What? Shut up; you did not." Incredulity aside, JJ was brimming with barely restrained glee.

"No, sadly I did," Emily admitted with a self-deprecating laugh. "You can ask Hotch."

JJ knew her ribs were battered and her muscles were overtaxed, but she couldn't do a thing to stop the fit of giggles that quickly had her doubled over. Sure enough, her chest burned in protest and her breath hitched on a shooting pain from her ribs, but even that did nothing to quell her laughter.

Emily rubbed circles along JJ's exposed back, rolling her eyes with a good-natured smirk as her friend laughed helplessly at her expense. "Easy there, Jayje. Don't hurt yourself." They were attracting curious looks from the others—some amused, some concerned. Emily shook her head with a smile, silently assuring them that everything was fine.

JJ sat up gingerly, still smiling wide as she worked to steady her breathing. "You okay?" Emily asked, eyeing the way JJ was clutching her ribs.

JJ nodded, though she ached all over. Her eyes gleamed. "I thought you were a spy, Em—Sergio was the best name you could come up with? I hope you never had to invent your own cover stories."

"_Retired_ spy," Emily protested. "I must've gone soft spending all this time around you guys." She couldn't help but grin; sacrificing a bit of dignity was a small price for seeing JJ this happy.

Before JJ could call her out further, Will appeared with painkillers and a glass of water, drawn over by JJ's continued grasp on her ribs. Emily watched their silent exchange as they swapped messages of concern and gratitude in the seamless way you communicate when you know someone inside out.

Satisfied that his wife was all right, Will turned his attention to Emily. "You know, I'm starting to think that you're a bona fide superhero, Emily Prentiss. I don't know what we did to deserve you, but I'm grateful for it."

Emily blushed, squirming a bit at the praise. "It's nothing." JJ rolled her eyes fondly at the deflection and slid her arm through Emily's to grab her hand.

Will smiled. "Well I don't know about that. Let's just say that if Henry ever gives you trouble you've got one powerful guilt trip to pull out on him."

"Oh, no way," Emily laughed. "Henry's my best source of gossip about you two; he and I are square. At least until he learns to keep a secret." She dodged JJ's half-hearted swat as Will groaned.

"I think I'll leave you ladies to it before I find out what dirt the kid's already spilled." He leaned in to kiss Emily's cheek. "Don't be a stranger, all right?"

Emily smiled her agreement. "It's really good to see you, Will."

With a departing wave, Will rejoined the rest of the team by the bar. JJ sighed, feeling warmed by the presence of so many of the people she loved most. She and Emily ought to get back to the group soon, she knew; after all, everyone was here to celebrate her safety, and she was sure that they were all itching to spend time with Emily while they had the chance. But between the anxious, persistent weight in her chest and the nauseating headache that throbbed behind her eyes, JJ found the prospect of rejoining the crowd a bit overwhelming. She was grateful that they had all wordlessly offered her the quiet moment that she needed. Emily was no exception to that; she was content to maintain her comforting silence, running her thumb across their still-linked hands while JJ sat lost in thought.

"I'm really glad you're here," JJ murmured, leaning into Emily's shoulder. Her ordeal was starting to catch up to her.

Emily's eyes softened. "There's nowhere else I'd be, JJ. I'm sorry it's not for longer."

"Don't be," JJ choked out, unwilling to let her friend take on any guilt after everything. Feeling her control start to slip, JJ searched for a point of focus—something to anchor her increasingly frantic thoughts. She lifted Emily's hand in her own and studied it intently: watched the flexing movement of her knuckles, felt her pulse beat reassuringly at the base of her palm, traced the outline of Emily's long fingers with the tips of her own.

She felt herself settle a bit as she continued her observation. Emily's nails were longer than JJ remembered; that was good. It fit with the new easiness in her posture and the lightness in her eyes—all signals of Emily's renewed happiness that were hard to catch when you only saw someone on Skype. London had been good to her. JJ brushed over Emily's nails again, wondering if the ragged edges she felt were because of her.

Emily reciprocated the gesture, stroking gentle fingers along JJ's hand. The sensation was startlingly familiar, and JJ found herself forcibly thrown into the memory of those same fingers—or rather, an imagined version of them—ghosting across her temple as she trembled on the cold floor of the basement. Her breath caught sharply. The flashback consumed her, but instead of just feeling Emily's comforting touch JJ was hit with the bone-deep chill of the room and the mental haze that left her confused and vulnerable. Worst of all was the feeling of utter defeat; of knowing that she had used her reserves of strength and had reached her breaking point. Then there was the paralyzing swirl of exhaustion and shame at knowing she would inevitably give in to her captor.

But just like before, it was Emily's voice in her ear that renewed her strength and brought her back to herself—a soothing whisper telling JJ to focus on her words; reminding her that she was safe. Slowly, the haze cleared and JJ found herself looking into kind eyes.

Emily slid JJ's glass of water toward her, watching her with concern but thankfully no pity. "What do you need?" she asked.

JJ scrubbed her hands across her eyes, shaking her head lightly. It had passed, and for the moment she felt more grounded. She didn't want to deal with it tonight. "I'm okay. I guess it was a flashback, but it was more like a feeling than an… event." Emily nodded in sympathy. "It wasn't that bad," JJ added. There were certainly worse moments that she could have recalled.

"All right," Emily conceded. "Remember that you can ask for help if they ever bother you, okay?"

JJ nodded, grateful that Emily trusted her to manage her own self-care. She braced herself, needing to ask a question that she'd really rather not put words to. "Did you ever feel like you should have been able to take more than you did? Like they shouldn't have been able to beat you."

"Yeah," Emily answered immediately. She was startled by the question. "JJ—"

"I know it's stupid—I got _waterboarded_, for god's sake. But Emily, I _really_ didn't want to break." She needed her friend to understand that.

"Of course you didn't; I know, honey," Emily consoled. She held out her hands in invitation, still unsure about JJ's earlier reaction to her touch. She smiled when JJ quickly grasped her hands, the tight grip barely masking the fact that she was shaking. "Jayje, they threw you straight in the deep end with that job, and you rose to every challenge. You did _so_ well. You beat them. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

JJ breathed a grateful laugh as Emily's reassurances eased an ache in her chest, though the sound came out more like a hiccup as she fought for control over threatening tears. "I hallucinated that you were there," JJ blurted out, catching Emily off guard.

"What?"

"I was so out of it, and I think Mat was talking to me the whole time. But I was so close to giving up, and then you were there, comforting me. I guess you were who I needed to keep going." JJ glanced up, glassy eyes wide as she looked at Emily. "Christ, Em—if you start crying I won't stand a chance; go easy on me, will you?"

Emily laughed, a few tears spilling out despite JJ's admonition. "Sorry," she said, pulling JJ into a tight hug. "I love you. Thank you for having so much faith in me."

JJ returned the hug gratefully, mumbling into Emily's shoulder. "I didn't need faith. If anyone could have shown me how to stay strong, I knew it was you. You'd done what I couldn't." JJ pulled away, rubbing her eyes to clear them. "And I knew you'd come for me," she added.

Emily wiped her cheeks, visibly moved. "I only did what you did—held on a bit longer after the moment I felt myself give up. You're stronger than you think, Jayje." She carded her fingers through JJ's hair, looping it behind her ear, a swell of affection that she couldn't quite articulate making her actions increasingly tactile. "I'm glad I could help you, though."

"You always have."

"That's a two-way street," Emily smiled, considering JJ closely. "I want to be someone you can lean on now, if you'll let me."

JJ nodded gratefully. "You still have your Scrabble account?"

"Mhmm," Emily confirmed, grinning affectionately. "A distraction at the ready, any time you need it. That always did the trick for me."

"Good," JJ smiled. It was something she could work with—a pressure-free outlet for when she needed a silent connection, and a reminder that Emily would be there, listening and advising, if she needed more. JJ knew that the way to recovery was right in front of her, but still found herself floundering a bit. Despite knowing that she was safe, that she'd be going home to her boys, that she had all the support in the world, JJ wasn't sure how to find her way forward. "I don't really know what I'm doing here, Em," she admitted.

Emily nodded—in sadness, in understanding, but above all, in support. "You'll figure it out," she promised, and JJ couldn't help but believe her. "You know how the song goes, blackbird."


End file.
